The Oscars are not the Super Bowl for movies. They’re the Pro Bowl for movies. They are a conglomerate of what “certain people” deem to be the cream of the crop Hollywood cinema that year and present them in a fun but ultimately meaningless competition that has no real intrinsic value beyond increasing the brand of an actor or filmmaker or other artist and exposing some worthy (and many unworthy) films to a wider audience that may have not at first thought of watching them. When someone says a movie has won Oscars, it means something to people who casually enjoy movies once in a while.
And as always, the discourse on the Oscars is hilarious and frustrating:
I’ve been using twitter a lot more than any other social media outlet because it gives the most information and interaction at a faster rate than any other (non-forum) place on the internet. Sure, it’s a brain-melting hell-hole, but we’re all going to die from nuclear radiation or overheating at some point in our lives anyway so might as well be reckless and fun in the process.
So here are 5 Twitter-related things that are DEFINITELY going to happen during the Oscars Broadcast:
- Trump is going to tweet while he has diarrhea from the 5 Big Macs and 3 Fish Filet sandwiches he ate for his afternoon snack. Alpha Male. This is a given. Our mayonnaise-filled glazed ham president is a showman above anything else and the one thing he is terrified of is other people showing him up. This happens on the regular in government, but it gets under his skin the most during the Oscars because he has no way of regulating it. Deep down, he actually wants to be there, with all those beautiful people in their beautiful outfits. For everyone who voted for Trump who thinks once he gets out of office he’s going to live the life of a blue-collar conservative on a farm in Kansas… buddy, his toilet it made of solid gold. And knowing the neoliberal cretins who run the Academy, you’ll see Trump on TV smiling at the Oscars once his term is over. Trust me.
- The jokes are going to be bad. I don’t understand why they make non-comedic actors who present awards like “Best Costume Design” do joke skits while presenting. They’re not good. The actors don’t even fucking memorize their lines (I still can’t believe this) so they have to read a teleprompter while delivering the punchline that we’ve already heard from some weird ass twitter account called “OsamaBinBallin69420” or something. Yeah, ok, we get it, the woman fucked a fish in The Shape of Water. I wish they just had a separate broadcast which only played the actual nominees and winners being announced and everything else is just replaced by a scene from Paul Thomas Anderson’s Phantom Thread.
- Tomi Lahren is going to get her ass handed to her. This is becoming a yearly tradition. The wanna-be Ann Coulter who got fired from The Blaze because she laughed when she saw Glenn Beck’s shriveled up dick cannot help herself during the Oscars. She wants to get owned. Maybe it’s a fetish. People will happily oblige.
- People are going to be unhappy no matter what wins Best Picture. Did I say the Oscars was like the Pro Bowl? I meant it’s more like political elections. No one is happy. Ever.
- Three Billboards in Ebbing, Missouri is going to win Best Picture. This is the only prediction I’m making. Three Billboards in Ebbing, Missouri is a garbage fucking movie with horrible writing, bad characters, and piss-poor acting (except Frances McDormand). I was sitting in the theater looking around while the movie played wondering if anyone else was having the same disgusted reaction as I was. I couldn’t believe some of the lines that were written in this filth. “I hope you get raped” stuck out pretty hard. The CGI deer and Woody Harrelson’s goodbye letter were unintentional comedy gold. And Sam Rockwell, who is a marvelous actor, is getting recognition for his worst performance, playing one of the dumbest written characters in movie history… a racist cop who suddenly, out of nowhere, grows a heart of gold and tries to redeem himself. I hate this movie. But I’m ready for it to win. This movie is the perfect embodiment of Hollywood and neoliberalisms complete tone-deaf approach to American politics. Of course the Oscars are going to vote for it! For years the worst movie to ever win Best Picture has been the Harvey Weinstein-produced abomination Shakespeare in Love which won in 1998 (over Life is Beautiful, Elizabeth, Saving Private Ryan and the deserved winner, The Thin Red Line.) That changes tonight.